50 Weeks of Positivity: Week 1 Report

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Look at me, finally getting my bum into gear to write about how I did last week with the first 50 Weeks of Positivity challenge. I realise this is hideously late (it was supposed to be posted on Sunday!), and I am also behind in posting the 2nd challenge... so I have decided to leave that for this week and continue with it this coming Monday. I apologise that this is off to a bit of a rocky start!! But I am determined to keep going.

Anyway! Last week's challenge was to call someone you haven't spoken to in a long time. I decided I would call my grandma. Here's a bit of background info on her:

Grandma (my dad's mother) is 89 years old and was recently moved into the dementia wing of her rest home. She has had dementia for a few years now and has got to the point where she needs 24/7 care available to her. She no longer has a unit to live in, just a single room with a shower and toilet attached. Her old house that I came to know and love has long been sold.

While I speak to grandma a few times a year, it has been a number of months since I last spoke to and visited her. I decided she would be a good challenge for me to pick because I actually find it quite hard to talk to her, for these reasons:

• She is hard of hearing, so she doesn't quite catch everything I say.
• Her illness causes her to get confused easily, and misunderstand things.
• She forgets words and often struggles to put together coherent sentences, which makes me misunderstand her. She also mixes up names and places and facts which is hellishly confusing. When I called her for her 89th birthday, she happily told me she had just turned 81.
• She tires very easily so I have to keep phone calls and visits short now.

However, on top of these reasons, the hardest thing I find is that every time I talk to or visit her she is noticeably worse in her dementia than the last time. This is the first time in my life that I have ever had to watch someone I love deteriorate, and I know it will all end at some point, but I just don't know when. This is a real challenge for me. It is hard to see her now. The last time I visited (which was the first time since she moved to the dementia wing), I had to fight really hard not to cry. I was astonished by the fact that she is now confined to a little single room. Not all the time mind you (there is a public lounge and dining area she can go to at any time to socialise with others), but it just made me think about how freedom is very much behind her now, in a lot of ways. I'm also very afraid of death, and (though this sounds morbid) every time I visit or talk to her I am reminded of how much closer we're getting to the time when she won't be around any more.

Now, I'm a big 'fraidy-cat. Always have been. I prefer to avoid situations that are difficult rather than to suck it up and be brave. So these days I find myself more and more hesitant to talk with my poor old G'ma. I find it sadly ironic that the fact that I'm afraid of losing her makes me not want to be around her.

So I picked her for my challenge. And you know what? I totally failed.

It's not that I didn't try. I tried a number of times during the week to call her and didn't get an answer. I assume that at the times I called, she was out and about socialising with the other rest home folk, or watching TV or something. Heck, maybe she was in her room but somehow didn't hear the phone. Who knows. Anyway, I didn't reach her. 

I also didn't try hard enough, and I knew I wasn't trying hard enough. My fear of the whole situation made me hope she wouldn't pick up the phone each time I called. And then I'd feel guilty when she actually didn't pick up. 

I'm not beating myself up over the fact that I failed at the first challenge, because I know I tried (even if it was in a half-assed sort of way), and I know that I can pick up the phone at any time and call her. The challenge doesn't have to end just because the week ended and another one began. I will try to call her again in the next few days, and see how it goes. On top of that, my parents will be visiting from overseas in a couple of weeks and I am certain we will all make a trip out to visit grandma, so I know I'll be seeing her soon even if I don't manage to get her on the phone.

All in all, this exercise has made me realise I have a lot to learn about being selfless. I am trying to look at the situation in a positive light. It's easy to get angry at God or life or the universe or whatever because my grandma who I love and cherish is slowly deteriorating and it hurts me. But I think that situations like this... they just happen. They just are. These things are a part of life, and we can either learn from them or get burned from them. I hope I am learning that time is precious and that sometimes you need to put aside your own emotions for the benefit of another human being. Sure, it is very upsetting for me sometimes to see grandma, because it hurts to see what I will eventually lose, but the utter joy in her voice when I call or visit reminds me that I am doing something good for her. It brings her happiness. I watch her loneliness dissolve. And when I leave I watch the loneliness creep back into her eyes, reminding me that I do need to visit again soon.

When the Black Dog Bites

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You will have noticed this blog has been somewhat inactive the past few days. In fact, it's been over a week now since I made the last entry. I haven't done Thankful Thursday or Friday Favourites, and yesterday I was supposed report on how I went with my first week of positivity (I failed, by the way!) and then write up this week's challenge. Whoops.

What gives?

Well, I won't lie. My old friend the black dog has currently got me wedged in its hungry jaws. The past few days have been characterised by irritability, a disinterest in doing anything that needs to be done, an increase in wanting to stay in bed all day and a severe decrease in motivation even to do fun things!

On top of that, it has been our wedding anniversary and we had a fairly busy weekend, which has sapped my energy. Furthermore, we're having property manager issues which are stressful to say the least. Now, I'm not saying it's an excuse for not writing, but at least you now have a reason, right?

In low times like these, it's very tempting to sit about the house (or lie in bed) feeling sorry for myself. I find my mind focusing on things that just serve to make me feel worse: how I'm not thin enough to look nice in the dress my friend bought me, how I'm not currently working because I got ill, reasons why I'm not very good with people, how our house seems to be infested with insects every time we go away, reasons why I shouldn't attempt anything I dream about... you know the drill. When you're down, you somehow find more and more reasons to have an excuse to stay that way.

Yesterday I was thinking about how some people just seem to be so bent on staying negative. I have one friend in particular who I always try to speak positively to so I can encourage and uplift him and help him feel capable of achieving his dreams. But no matter what, he always finds some way, some excuse, to shoot down every positive comment or encouragement or suggestion I give. He is unknowingly sabotaging his chances at doing something good for himself.

Sometimes I think depressed people just want an excuse to stay depressed. I mean, I have done it myself. Far too many times to count. Because let's face it: it's far easier to just pity yourself and your situation than it is to try and pull yourself up out of it and get better.

Now, I'm not at all criticising people with depression. Depression rears its ugly head in a variety of ways and forms. Some people are so deep in their depression they don't have the mental capacity to choose to get better. These people need serious help and support from us. They are often in need of loving friends, good therapy, and in some cases, medication. And that is okay. Everyone gets sick from time to time and everyone has a right to see a good doctor and receive medical treatment.

But what I am saying is, a lot of people do have the ability to choose to get better, and they simply choose not to.

I am not going to be one of those people any more.

If you're feeling like me today, I encourage you to haul your ass out of bed, take a shower, eat something good (preferably get some Omega 3s in your diet!) and get outside for some exercise and sunlight. You will feel better, I promise.

Now, I'm heading out for a long walk!

50 Weeks of Positivity, BEGIN!: Week 1 - Old friends

Hey friends! Welcome to Week 1 of 50 Weeks of Positivity!

The aim of this series is to encourage positive living in my own life and the lives of others who are reading this blog. I'll be posting a weekly challenge for all to partake in. These challenges seek to help you form positive habits, take care of and love yourself, and be a positive influence in the lives of others. Let's go!

Week 1 Challenge: Get in touch with someone you haven't spoken to in a long time.

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This could be an old teacher, a friend from high school, a family member you don't see often, even an acquaintance you used to work with. Sit down and have a good think about who you might like to contact. It could even be someone you had a falling out with a long time ago and haven't spoken to as a result. (That one is extra challenging, but may be extra rewarding to do.)

Try to talk with them on the phone or meet with them in person, perhaps for a coffee or lunch. If this isn't possible, write an email, flick them a Facebook message or maybe even write a letter.

Just ask them how they are doing. Try not to talk about yourself unless your person specifically asks you about your life and what you're doing. Here are some questions to help keep the ball of conversation rolling if you get stuck (feel free to make them more conversational-sounding!):

• Where are you living now?
• What is it like there? Why did you choose to live there?
• What do you do with your time? (It is better to ask this question rather than "Where do you work?". It will save you from possible awkwardness if it turns out the person is not currently working.)
• What do you do for recreation?
• Have you done any travelling since I last saw you? Where/when did you go? What was that like?

Those should be enough to get you started. Remember you don't need to get their entire life story! The idea is to reignite an old connection, and to show someone, for no selfish purposes, that you have a genuine interest in how they're doing.

If your "catch up" happens to not go very well, or doesn't happen at all, remember: don't feel guilty or negative. You don't have any control over what the other person is doing or how they choose to respond to your invitation. Just take it as it comes. Make sure that before you contact the person, you are okay with the possibility that it might not turn out as planned.

Next Sunday I'll write a brief blog about how I went with the challenge. Feel free to also let me know how you went by leaving a comment either here on the blog or on Facebook.

Good luck! :)

Sugar-Free Me: Part 2 - An experiment

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After a good couple of weeks of being off sugar, I decided to do a little experiment.

On Saturday night we had some friends over to watch a movie with us. We got them to bring some snacks and we also supplied some snacks. I decided I would allow myself to indulge, and see how I felt afterwards. I let myself have popcorn (which are simple carbs), four squares of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate, and a bowl of chocolate mousse (that my friend made using avocado! And completely without refined sugar. Brilliant!).

I felt fine on the evening, but I am certain now that sugar is a big no-no for me. The first big difference I noticed as a result of having sugar, is that I woke up during the night. I have had about a week and a half of sleeping really well. Sleeping like a normal person! And on Saturday night, at I don't know what time (I didn't even bother to look), I woke up. And I laid in bed for at least an hour, tossing and turning, thinking "why can't I sleep?". I don't even know why I woke up; I just did. And all I could do was wait in agony until I fell asleep again, which took ages.

During this period of waking, I also had a small anxiety attack. For no reason at all, I started to think "What is the point in life? Everyone is just going to die. I am going to die. My family and friends are all going to die. Why am I here?". Yes, I had some moments of very emo despair. A deep hopelessness. Like there was no reason for going on. This came seriously out of the blue. I had had a really good evening with my friends, and prior to that I'd had a really good, productive, positive week. So this sudden anxiety and feeling of hopelessness really surprised and scared me.

On Sunday I didn't have any sugar, but I wasn't quite myself. In the morning I was tired but still productive. I snacked on popcorn for no reason (during my sugar-free period however, I pretty much didn't snack at all because I didn't feel a need to). In the afternoon I crashed. I became grouchy and irritable and I felt mentally and physically exhausted. We had planned on going to a friend's place for a barbecue dinner but we ended up staying home because I was feeling so rotten, and I was utterly disinterested in socialising. I literally wanted to curl into a ball in a corner somewhere and pretend I didn't exist. On Sunday night we went to bed at a reasonable time and I had no problems getting to sleep. I slept through the night. And that brings us to today, Monday.

I am still having a rough time of it! I haven't had any sugar since Saturday night and yet I still feel dog tired. I didn't get out of bed until 1pm. I almost couldn't bring myself to shower. Thankfully, I have a husband who will call me from work when he is worried about me, and give me a pep talk. He encouraged me to take a shower and then go for a walk. I managed to do these things. But I still feel exhausted and I feel that I will probably sleep again at some point this afternoon. I feel drowsy, with that itchy feeling behind my eyes - you know? The way you feel when you come home from a weekend tramp or a school camping expedition. Completely exhausted.

Furthermore, motivation has gone right out the window today. I haven't really achieved anything except showering, eating and going for a walk in the sun (which, by the way, I am very pleased with myself for doing). I have wanted to do some creative writing, but it's just not happening. I tried reading and couldn't focus. I don't even want to watch TV, and that requires hardly any effort!

I suspect that snacking on popcorn yesterday (and we also had pizza for dinner last night, which isn't so bad in itself but the pizza bread would have been a load of simple carbs) has contributed to why I feel so crap and unmotivated today. Today I have had no sugar and no simple carbs. Here's hoping that tomorrow I will feel better, but who knows how many days sugar will take its toll on my system?

In other news, I'll be kicking off 50 Weeks of Positivity later today, so check back here for the first challenge! I'm excited!